Reading: Patient. by OminousHero
Playing: Black Ops II
Ugh, one of those nights, but I guess it's my own fault. Sometimes I can't close my eyes to the things I shouldn't see.
I hold this one particular person close to a special space in my emotions. He's just always been there for me no matter what time of day it was. It could be 3, 4, 5 am and he just would be there, always. He reassured me when I was questioning myself and my actions. He was a comfort zone when I had none. He was a friend when I felt neglected by those in the next rooms. He picked me up when I was down. There was a time back a few years ago, when I was in my darkest shades of life, I would barely have any rest what-so-ever. However, when I did sleep, I would have nightmare after nightmare. It didn't matter how long it was, it was always a high level of fear and gore and sickness and shadow. It was at the point to where I would stay up as long as I could, just so I wouldn't have any nightmares. I feared reality, while I was awake, and I feared my dreams. It's like being cornered without a corner. The world becomes an entire corner itself, and there's no way to go but stand still and wait for it to take hold. That's when I desperately wished something, or someone would ....be there. That's when it all started, really. I dreamt of him, and when I dreamt of him, the fear was gone, and the nightmares along with it. It would just be him, he was my dream savior, he was the hero of my waking reality.
We've become close, or I should say I've become close. Close to him, close to the calmness, close to the comfort and everything in between.
In the present, we all know that things change, and with good reason. I changed, he changed, we all changed overtime, and it's at the point where I should...-should- back off. We have our own lives now, well, we have become more busy...with our own lives, and not with each others.
I don't have nightmares anymore, and I don't fear the darkness like I used to. I feel as I'm able to take rejection more easily in this time of my life, whereas before, it hit me really hard.
It's that connection we have, the one him and I established years ago, that's what I'm afraid to stray away from. I've become used to it too much. Something -that- good is becoming negative for me.
He's in a serious relationship now...recently....
I don't get to talk to him like I used to. I don't get that "fix" anymore. I end up seeing pictures of him all cuddly and smiling and happy. And it just hurts me in my core. But my other side of me is happy for him at the same time. I wish for him to be happy, and I wish for him to have a good, healthy, decent life.
If I try and -not- speak to him for a few days on end, I tend to feel this emptiness in my torso, it's an awful, void feeling. It's like something is internally, and externally missing at the same time.
I've lost a lot of people that I gave power to. I give people power over me, unwillingly. A person who can hurt me, with simple eye contact. A person who can raise me with a few words spoken. A person who makes me feel loved and welcomed and wanted, with just their presence.
All of those powers are...beyond anything I could comprehend fully. To be able to try and understand it, you'd have to endure the last 13 years that I've endured. Even if it was just a fraction of what I really, truly mean.
Those powers have slowly been taken away from me, for the greater good....I hope.
But what I'm thinking about, in the back of my mind...if all of those powers are taken away from others...what do I feel in the end?
Or is there even an end?
I'm grateful, for those who hurt me, for those who saved me, for those to read this, for those who pass by, for those who remember me, for those who should forget me.
For I will carry this with me, always, even if that's not believable.
Pain can be temporary
Peace can be a delicacy
But memories are eternal
Therefore, the two will always coexist within one's life